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Stanley  Waterloo 


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HOW  IT  LOOKS 


BY 


STANLEY   WATERLOO 


RUNNING  UP  A  COLUMN  OF  FIGURES 


New  York,  Chicago,  Washington,  Paris: 
BRENTANOS 

PUBLISHERS 
1888 


.v\ 


^%^ 


Copyright  1888  by 
Brentanos. 


Chicago,  Aug.  30,  i 

*^^HERE  was  no  thought  of  presenting  them  in 
book  form  when  the  short,  iUustrated  sketches 
here  given  were  begun.  They  were  devised  merely  as 
one  of  the  hghter  features  of  the  editorial  page  of 
the  Chicago  MaiL  and  have  been  so  continued.  The 
idea  was  but  to  exhibit  whimsically  the  effect  of 
translation  into  literal  designs  common  figures  of 
speech — no  new  device.  That  they  illustrate  in  a 
broader  way  some  of  the  peculiarities  of  the  English 
we  use  is  but  an  accidental  result.  The  responsibiHty 
for  the  appearance  of  these  fancies  in  the  present 
garb  must  rest  with  the  publisher,  from  whom  the 
suggestion  came. 

Stanley  Waterloo 


i^:^sf>4(» 


CONTENTS. 


Page. 

Her  Breath  Came  in  Short  Pants 7 

Turned  the  Farm  Over  to  Her 8 

He  Traveled  bv  Rail 9 

Took  a  Hand  In  It lo 

Her  Swan-Like  Neck ii 

He  Took  a  Street  Car  Home 12 

They  Scoured  the  City 13 

He  Smelt  a  Rat    14 

Business  on  a  Small  Scale 15 

Fired  Him  Out 16 

Thrown  Over  for  Another 17 

He  Struck  a  Balance 18 

Two  Strings  to  Her  Bow 19 

He  Knit  His  Brows 20 

Knocked  His  Eve  Out 21 

The  Rain  Fell  in  Sheets 22 

Fuller' n  a  Tick 23 

Brought  Down  the  House 24 

A  Horse  on  Each 25 

He  Lost  His  Head 26 

Pitched  Their  Tents 27 

He  Beat  About  the  Bush 28 

Under  Her  Thumb 29 

No  Visible  Means  of  Support 30 

She  Looked  Daggers  at  Him 31 

He  Took  the  Cake 32 

Im  a  Little  Short  Myself 33 

In  His  Cups " 34 

Melted  by  Her  Appeal 35 

He  Weighed  His  Words 36 

The  High  Contracting  Parties 37 

A  Devourer  of  Books 38 

Caught  the  Speaker's  Eye 39 

She  Strained  Her  Eyes 4° 

In  the  Van 41 

Gave  Him  the  Cold  Shoulder 42 

In  a  Box 43 

Held  His  Breath ! 44 

Strapped 43 

He  Took  the  Train 46 

Had  the  Dead  Wood  on  Him 47 

Went  to  theDoss 48 

Banged  Her  Sister' s  Hair 49 

Swept  Oflf  the  Sidewalk 50 

Burst  Into  Tears 51 

Kept  a  Watch  on  Him 52 

Two  Sad  Cases 53 

His  Blank  Expression 54 

Casting  Sheep's  Eyes 55 

Onto  the  Racket 56 

Pork  Took  a  Drop 57 

He  Threw  Out  His  Chest : 58 

Laughed  in  His  Sleeve 59 

Had  the  Prisoner  Ironed 60 

His  Audience  was  All  Ears 61 

He  Threw  the  Switch 62 

He  Broke  the  Ice 63 

He  Still  Hung  Out  There 64 

It  Told  the  Tale 65 

They  Boarded  the  Train 66 


PAofc 

It  Rained  Pitcliforks 67 

He  Put  His  Foot  In  It .  68 

Put  Their  Heads  Together 69 

A  Square  Man 70 

She  Cut  Him  Dead 71 

He  Sat  On  Thorns 72 

Wrote  Through  a  Friend 73 

He  Took  the  Floor 74 

He  Threw  Down  His  Hand 75 

He  Stood  Rooted  to  the  Ground 76 

She  Swept  Through  the  Room 77 

He  Rose  with  the  Lark 78 

He  Flew  to  Her  Side 79 

Crushed  by  Her  Reply 80 

In  On  Her  Fathers  Arm 81 

Toasted  the  Emperor 82 

He  Was  Onto  It 83 

Died  On  His  Hands 84 

A  Level-Headed  Man 85 

He  Was  All  Broke  Up 86 

He  Took  the  Stand : 87 

She  Cast  Down  Her  Eyes 88 

Stuck  on  Base  Ball 89 

Very  Close  in  the  Room 90 

The  Table  Groaned 91 

Put  a  Flea  in  His  Ear 92 

He  Ground  His  Teeth  in  Rage 93 

In  a  Stew 94 

A  Striking  Occasion 95 

Rushed  the  Growler 96 

Left  Under  a  Cloud 97 

On  His  Own  Hook 9« 

He  Made  Both  Ends  Meet 99 

He  Held  His  Ground 100 

Put  Under  Bonds lot 

Thrown  Off  the  Scent .102 

Broke  Off  the  Match •  103 

Rose  to  the  Occasion 104 

She  Tossed  Her  Head  in  the  Air 105 

Gave  Him  Her  Hand i-^ 

A  Run  on  the  Bank 10- 


HER  BREATH  CAME  IX  SHORT  PANTS. 

I 


fJ  FOOLISH  lovers"  (luarrel  had  separated  them,  and 
J  he  left  her  in    aniier.      For   months  he  was    absent, 

and  she  heard  that  he  had  sailed  to  a  distant  land.  Then, 
later,  came  a  rumor  that  he  had  returned  to  his  native 
shores.  Should  she  ever  see  him  again  ?  Would  he 
visit  her  ?  Hope  deferred  made  her  life  miserable  until, 
one  day.  standing  at  the  window,  she  saw  a  figure  ad- 
vacing  across  the  lawn.  She  knew  the  manly  stride,  the 
proud,  graceful  bearing.  It  was  he  :  The  reaction  from 
grief  to  sudden  joy  was  almost  too  much  for  her.  She 
staggered  back,  with  her  hand  upon  her  lieart.  while  --her 
breath  came  in  short  pants."' 


TURNED   THE    FARM    OVER   TO    HER. 


TT  was  a  case  of  "Betsey  and  I  are  out."  Farmer 
Pierce  and  his  wife  could  not  agree  and  he  resolved 
to  leave  her  and  go  west.  He  was  a  just  sort  of  man, 
though,  and  wanted  to  be  generous  as  well.  Before  he 
left  his  wife  he  had  the  necessary  papers  drawn  and 
''turned  the  farm  over  to  her." 


HE    TRAVELED    BY    RAIL. 


tXOW  rapidly  fortunes  shift  in  this  country!  The 
^/  man  \vho  occupies  one  position  to-day  occupies 
quite  another  to-morrow.  There  is  Jamieson.  for  m- 
stance,  who  Hves  in  the  suburbs  and  comes  modestly  into 
town  eVerv  morning  on  his  bicycle.  How  different  his 
style  from'  what  it  was  but  ten  short  years  ago,  when  he 
lived  in  the  far  west.  He  never  used  a  bicycle  then. 
He  always  '-  traveled  by  rail." 


TOOK    A    HAND    IX    IT. 


1~^ECIDEDLY  a  society  man  in  cannibal  circles  was 
^^  the  sub-chief  Manua  Loa.  He  was  the  life  of 
every  entertainment  and  no  party  was  deemed  complete 
without  him.  He  was  socially  what  the  leader  of  the 
German  is  in  a  city  set.  A  feast  on  the  island  was  not, 
in  fact,  considered  much  of  an  affair  unless  he  ••  took  a 
hand  in  the  proceedings." 


10 


HER   S\V AX-LIKE   NECK. 


OWEET  are  my  lady's  lips 
As  honey  the  bee  sips 
In  yellow  days  from  many  a  posy  fair, 

And  golden  is  her  hair; 
So  beautiful  is  she  she  need  not  deck 

Herself  with  jewels  rare — 

She  has  a  swan-like  neck  ! 

Soft  are  my  lady's  eyes. 

As  soft  as  Summer  skies, 
And  her  small  hands  as  \\'inter  snow  are  white, 

It  is  a  deep  delight 
But  to  be  near  her.     Total  is  the  wreck 

Of  my  heart,  total  quite  ! 

She  has  a  swan-like  neck  I 


11 


HE    TOOK    A    STREET    CAR   HOME. 


TXE  was  a  good  deal  of  an  athlete,  and  ordinarily 
^  /  walked  home  at  night;  but  the  day  his  mother-in- 
law  arrived  and  he  met  her  at  the  depot,  got  her  things 
together,  and  started  her  in  a  hack  for  his  house,  he 
somehow  felt  weary.  He,  for  once,  yielded  to  a  weak- 
ness and  departed  from  his  usual  custom.  That  night 
he  didn't  feel  like  walking,  and  so  "  took  a  horse-car 
home/' 


THEY   SCOURED    THE    CITY. 


in 


Tn  MESSENGER  dashed  frantically  into  the  bureau  o£ 
^  le  Commissionaire  Jean  Hubbarde  and,  with  a 
white  face,  told  of  the  perpetration  of  an  awful  crime  at 
the  corner  of  the  Rue  State  and  the  Rue  Twenty-second. 
It  was  a  murder  of  the  goriest  character.  The  fiendish 
perpetrator  had  escaped,  but  only  for  the  time.  Le  com- 
missionaire ordered  out  his  gens  d'armes  and  •'  they 
scoured  the  streets." 


13 


HE    SMELT    A    RAT 


TT  was  a  shrewdly-put  proposition  which  that  promoter 
of  so  many  schemes,  McFarland,  made  to  Jobson. 
There  could  be  no  doubt  of  that,  but  had  Jobson  gone 
into  the  thing  he  would  have  been  deftly  skinned  to  the 
extent  of  about  $15,000.  He  listened  intently  enough  to 
what  ^IcFarland  had  to  say.  but  he  gave  his  refusal  with 
a  rush.     Jobson  was  no  fool.  ^   '•  He  smelt  a  rat." 


14 


BUSINESS    OX    A    SMALL   SCALE. 


^Z!  HAT  young  Heffron  would  succeed  in  life  no  one 
^^  who  knew  him  could  reasonably  doubt.  He  was 
hard- working,  ambitious  and  energetic.  He  had  no 
capital  to  speak  of,  but  that  did  not  deter  him  from 
starting  out  for  himself.  The  result  demonstrated  that 
where  there's  a  will  there's  always  a  way.  He  made 
money  from  the  beginning,  though  for  a  long  time  he 
"  did  business  on  a  small  scale." 


15 


FIRED    HIM    OUT. 


V  [  ROUGHER  tramp  than  one-eyed  Bill  never  ravaged 
J  ^  the  countr}'  and  when  he  found  a  woman  alone  in 
a  house  he  usually  terrorized  her  into  giving  him  what- 
ever he  wanted  to  eat.  He  was  therefore  very  much  as- 
tonished when  he  called  on  the  lone  Widow  Moriarty  at 
being  instantly  "fired  uot."' 


16 


THROWN    OVER   FOR   ANOTHER. 


if^NE  of  the  handsomest  men  in  the  city  was  Clement 
^^  Alsop.  He  was  aware  of  his  fatal  gift  of  beauty 
and  made  the  most  of  it.  When  he  took  his  Summer 
vacation  he  created  great  havoc  among  the  hearts  of 
rural  maidens  in  the  vicinity  of  his  country  abode.  It 
was,  therefore,  more  of  a  shock  to  him  than  it  would  have 
been  otherwise  when  it  happened  that  on  one  occasion 
he  was  incontinently  '•  thrown  over  for  another." 


17 


HE    STRUCK    A    BALANXE. 


Zj'^HEN  he  embarked  in  business  John  Grange,r  had 
great  and  justifiable  expectations.  Unfortunately, 
he  had  one  weakness,  a  not  uncommon  one.  It  was  a 
regard  for  the  glass.  He  wasted  much  of  his  time.  He 
threw  away  his  opportunity-.  He  was  not  the  cheerful 
John  Granger  of  the  past  when,  at  the  end  of  the  j^ear, 
*' he  struck  a  balance." 


18 


TWO   STRINGS   TO    HER    BOW. 


SHE  was  an  attractive  girl  enough  but  had,  somehow, 
remained  single  past  the  time  when  young  ladies 
are  supposed  to  have  all  the  bloom  of  the  peach  on  them. 
In  leap  3'ear  she  saw  her  opportunity  and  resolved  to 
improve  it.  When  she  proposed  to  Algernon  he  ac- 
cepted.    He  had  to.     She  '^  had  two  strings  to  her  beau." 


19 


HE    KNIT   HIS    BROWS. 


FATHER  Mosskamp  was  really  one  of  the  best  na- 
tured  men  in  the  world  but  you  would  hardly  think 
it  to  see  him.  He  got  credit  for  a  sternness  he  did  not 
possess  and  all  because  of  a  certain  odd  habit  of  his. 
Whether  things  were  going  ill  or  going  well  his  demeanor 
was  the  same.  He  would  unconsciously  '*knit  his 
brows." 


20 


KNOCKED    HIS    EYE    OUT. 


Zx^HY  Rafferty  had  such  a  grudge  against  Smidt  no- 
^^  body  knew,  but  that  the  bitter  feeHng  existed  was 
none  the  less  an  apparent  fact.  Smidt  was  a  timid  man 
who  said  httle  and  did  less.  Rafferty  was  different.  He 
was  aggressive  in  his  desire  to  injure  Smidt.  The  thing 
culminated  at  last  when,  watching  his  opportunity  and 
catching  Smidt  at  a  disadvantage,  Rafferty  "knocked 
his  I  out." 


21 


THE    RAIN    FELL   IN   SHEETS. 


CTHE  told  him  she  did  not  like  the  appearance  of  the 
^^  sky  when  he  left  home  but  he  laughed  at  her  ap- 
prehensions and  refused  to  take  his  umbrella  with  him. 
He  had  cause  to  regret  his  stubbornness  half  an  hour 
later  when  ''the  rain  came  down  in  sheets." 


22 


FULLER    THAN    A   TICK. 


J^I^HY  has  Reginald  that  '^hic?" 
^^     Why  that  solemn  scowl? 
Reggy's  <•  fuller  than  a  tick," 

And  "'  drunker'n  a  biled  owl." 


23 


HE  BROUGHT  DOWN  THE  HOUSE. 


TXE  was  always  a  popular  man,  was  Jinks,  and  his 
^  /  entrance  into  his  favorite  haunts  in  town  was  the 
signal  for  applause.  Everybody  felt  that  before  he  had 
been  in  a  room  ten  minutes  he  would  say  something  to 
set  them  in  a  roar.  He  lived  in  the  suburbs,  and  one 
might  think  he  would  not  be  up  to  all  that  was  going 
on,  but  he  was  keen.  He  came  in  often,  and  he  always 
^'brought  down  the  house." 


A    HORSE    OX    EACH. 


TT  was  9  p.  M.  Mr.  Tommy  Shea  came  out  of  the 
^  opera-house,  and  with  him  was  Mr.  Thomas  Prior. 
They  entered  an  adjacent  place  where  the  lights  shone 
brightly.  They  were  handed  a  box  of  dice.  Mr.  Prior 
and  :\Ir.  Shea  each  threw  three  times,  and  then  Mr.  Prior 
laughed  gleefully,  and  said  "Ah!"  They  threw  three 
times  again,  and  then  Mr.  Shea  laughed  gleefully,  and 
said,  '^\h:"     It  was  "  a  horse  on  each." 


25 


HE    LOST    HIS    HEAD 


/^RDINARILY  Johnson  was  a  man  of  force  and  self- 
^-^  possession,  but  on  the  night  of  the  meeting  in  his 
ward  to  nominate  delegates  to  the  city  convention  he 
was  not  himself.  He  did  not  appear  to  have  been  drink- 
ing, but  his  demeanor  was  certainly  very  different  from 
what  it  was  usually.  He  got  excited  and  "lost  his 
head." 


26 


PITCHED    THEIR    TENTS. 


yERY  fierce  were  most  of  the  Arabs,  and  the  small 
French  detachment  was  in  imminent  danger.  An 
attack  was  hourly  expected.  The  Bedouins  came  over 
the  sand-hills  in  hordes,  and  it  was  supposed  they  would 
sweep  down  on  the  little  band  at  once,  but  they  didn't. 
They  chanced  to  be  all  from  friendly  tribes,  and  they 
merely  approached  within  easy  speaking  distance  and 
there  ''pitched  their  tents." 


HE  BEAT  ABOUT  THE  BUSH. 


p-\E  was  one  of  your  over-cautious,  foxy  men.  He  was 
(  devious  in  his  ways,  from  mere  instinct.  He  could 
go  at  nothing  openly  and  bluntly  and  in  a  straightfor- 
ward Anglo-Saxon  manner.  He  hemmed  and  hawed  and 
quibbled  in  every  conference  upon  anything.  It  seemed 
as  if  directness  of  style  were  an  impossibility  for  him.  On 
every  occasion  he  would  "beat  about  the  bush." 


28 


UNDER    HER    THUMB. 


^TMOXG  men  Grimsby  was  hard  enough.  He  was 
y^  close  in  his  bargains  and  merciless  in  his  col- 
lections. Even  physically  he  was  no  coward  and  had 
made  a  good  showing  when  assaulted  once  by  a  burly 
creditor.  Yet  the  wife  of  this  gruff  man  really  "wore 
the  trousers"  and  ^-'kept  him  under  her  thumb." 


29 


U-xOW  Quinlan  lived  was  a  puzzle  to  everybody  and 
(  remains  so  still.  His  was  one  of  the  numerous 
cases  which  puzzle  the  thinking  portion  of  the  commu- 
nity. He  was  always  well-dressed,  always  smiling  and 
serene.  His  case  was  but  one  of  many  which  could 
doubtless  be  explained  well  enough  if  one  had  all  the 
facts.  He  was  comfortable  with  --no  visible  means  of 
support." 


30 


SHE    LOOKED    DAGGERS    AT    KIM. 


/^HEY  had  been  engaged,  but  a  lovers'  quarrel  had 
^-^  arisen  and  there  was  the  usual  sequence  of  re- 
turned letters  and  supposably  bruised  hearts.  He  found, 
though,  that  he  could  not  well  get  along  without  her,  and 
called  to  be  forgiven  and  reinstated.  He  was  too  con- 
fident. She  had  been,  she  thought,  ill-treated.  She  re- 
ceived him  coldly  and  "  looked  daggers  at  him." 


31 


HE    TOOK    THE    CAKE. 


WE  was  a  particularly  bright  boy,  was  Johnny  Red- 
'  mond,  and,  if  you  didn't  know  about  it,  you  had 
only  to  ask  his  doting  mother  to  get  confirmation  of  the 
fact.  She  thought  there  was  no  bo}^  in  the  world  like 
her  Johnny.  There  were,  indeed,  very  few  boys  like  him. 
He  was  not  bound  by  ordinary  laws  of  the  household. 
He  was  a  marvel  in  his  way,  as  he  demonstrated  almost 
daily.     He  ''took  the  cake." 


32 


IM    A   LITTLE    SHORT    MYSELF. 


/CfARSON  was  one  of  those  short,  puffy,  little  men 
^-^  who  seem  always  to  do  well  in  business  and  who 
are  good-hearted  enough  but  a  trifle  canny.  Carson  en- 
joyed a  joke,  though,  especialty  when  he  made  it  himself. 
So  it  chanced  that  when  the  tall  Jenkins  one  day  asked  him 
for  the  loan  of  $25  Carson  responded  promptly,  '•'  I'd  like 
to  accommodate  you,  my  dear  fellow,  but,  the  fact  is, 
'  I'm  a  little  short  myself.'  " 


IN    HIS    CUPS. 


FINER  man  or  more  dignified  one  than  was  McPher- 
son  ordinarily  it  would  be  hard  to  find.  He  had 
one  weakness,  however.  The  abuse  of  drink  will  change 
any  man.  It  will  transform  him  at  times  into  a  being 
totally  unhke  himself  in  his  normal  condition.  Even  the 
grave  and  stately  McPherson  was  a  most  ridiculous  ob- 
ject whenever  "he  was  in  his  cups." 


34 


MELTED    BY    HER    APPEAL. 


p^E  was  }our  typical  old   money-getter  and    he  was  re- 
*       solved    that    his    daughter    should     marry    only    a 
wealthy  man,  but  somewhere  in  his  body  there  was  the 
remnant  of  a  heart. 

"  I  love  Augustus  1"  she  exclaimed  ;  "I  love  him 
dearly,  papa,  and  if  you  longer  refuse  consent  to  our 
union,  I  shall  die.  For  your  daughter's  sake,  will  you 
not  yield  and  make  us  happy  ?  '" 

The  stern  old  man  was  "  melted  by  her  appeal.'' 


35 


HE   WEIGHED    HIS   WORDS. 


^HERE  was  nothing  really  wrong  about  Augustus. 
He  was  a  portly,  hilarious,  young  board  of  trade 
man  with  a  decent  average  income,  but  when  he  asked 
old  Westside  for  the  hand  ot  his  daughter  the  father 
hesitated.  He  finally  consented,  but  only  under  the 
stipulation  that  Augustus  shouldn't  speculate. 

'-What  annoyed  me."  said  Augustus,  talking  to  a 
friend  about  the  matter,  '-was  to  have  the  old  man 
'weigh  his  words'  so,  in  answering  me." 


36 


THE    HIGH    CONTRACTING    PARTIES. 


/^HE  wedding  on  the  west  side  recently  of  Mr.  Widdi- 
combe  and  Miss  Ginsing  was  a  most  interesting 
affair.  The  society  journals  had  talked  of  it  for  weeks 
before  it  occurred  and  it  was  quite  the  event  of  the 
season.  The  guests  were  numerous  and  much  comment 
was  made  on  the  distinguished  appearance  of  '•  the  high 
contracting  parties." 


A   DEVOURER    OF    BOOKS. 


TQLATO  Diogenes  Smith  was  a  thoughtful  boy.  He 
did  not  waste  his  time  at  school  in  playing  base- 
ball or  slugging  other  boys.  He  never  went  in  swim- 
ming and  as  to  making  a  kite  or  attaching  unnecessary 
articles  to  a  dog's  tail,  he  never  thought  of  such  per- 
formances. He  grew  up  to  be  a  wise  man  and  was  "a 
great  devourer  of  books." 


38 


CAUGHT    THE    SPEAKERS    EYE. 


p~\E  was  a  born  parliamentarian,  was  Mallincradt.  He 
t  commanded  attention  in  any  assemblage,  and  al- 
ways had  his  say.  He  knew  just  what  to  do  to  attain 
his  end  in  this  particular  direction.  Others  might  seek 
in  vain  to  secure  opportunity  to  speak,  but  Mallincradt 
never  failed.     He  always  -'caught  the  speaker's  eye.'' 


39 


SHE   STRAINED    HER   EYES. 


C^HE  had  ahva3's  been  a  sentimental  girl,  but  she  had 
never  known  just  how  to  conduct  herself  when 
awaiting  her  lover.  Fortunatel}-,  a  few  weeks  ago,  she 
read  ''  The  Quick  or  the  Dead,"  and  that  gave  her  the 
information  she  wanted.  After  she  had  read  the  novel, 
whenever  she  expected  John  to  call  in  the  evening  she 
went  out  and  ''strained  her  eyes  through  the  gloom." 


40 


IN    THE   VAN. 


A.-^. 


URE  cowboy  William  was  a  valiant  man: 
When  dancrer  threatened,  ever  ''•  in  the  van.' 


41 


GAVE  HIM  THE  COLD  SHOULDER. 


^DOLPHUS  Le  Roy  was  a  good-looking  fellow 
J  '^  enough,  but  he  was  too  well  aware  of  the  fact  and 
too  confident  that  no  woman  could  resist  his  charms. 
What  happened  to  him  in  connection  with  Miss  Jamie- 
son  was  what  he  had  invited  by  his  assumption  that  she 
was  only  waiting  for  him  to  propose.  He  was  crushed 
when  he  asked  the  question  jauntily,  and  she  "  gave  him 
the  cold  shoulder." 


42 


IN   A   BOX. 


/S-^HE  trouble  with  Sassafras  was  that  he  was  too  im- 
^-^  pulsive.  He  would  jump  at  conclusions  and  no 
reasoning  seemed  to  have  much  effect  on  him.  For  in- 
stance, he  got  the  idea  at  one  time  that  Paul's  advice  to 
Timothy  regarding  a  little  wine  for  the  stomach's  sake 
should  be  followed  hourl}'  and  began  at  once.  The  result 
was  just  what  a  friend  of  his  foretold.  "  If  3-ou  persist  in 
your  crank  ideas,  Sassafras,"  he  said,  ''you'll  some  day 
get  3'ourself  in  a  box."     Sassafras  did. 


43 


HELD    HIS    BREATH. 


l^E  had  been  making  love  to  Angelina  for  a  long  time 
{  and  she  seemed  to  be  pleased  with  his  attentions. 
He  thought  she  was  not  indifferent  to  him;  but  hesitated 
long  before  proposing.  It  was  in  realit}'  only  his  extra- 
ordinary diffidence  which  had  sealed  his  mouth.  When, 
finally,  he  mustered  up  courage  to  ask  the  fateful  ques- 
tion he  ''held  his  breath"  while  awaiting  her  answer. 


44 


STRAPPED. 


BLIFKINS  always  said  that  he  was  not  afraid  of 
burglars  and  believed  he  could,  by  some  neat  bit 
of  repartee,  persuade  one  not  to  rob  him.  Oddly  enough, 
the  chance  came  for  Blifkins  to  make  good  his  word. 
He  was  seized  one  night  by  a  brawny  intruder,  strapped 
to  the  bed-post,  and  then,  while  a  pistol  was  held  at  his 
head,  ordered  to  tell  where  he  kept  his  money.  "  I  have 
no  money.  '  I'm  strapped,'  "  said  Blifkins.  The  burglar 
shivered  and  fled. 


45 


HE    TOOK    THE    TRAIN 


TX  E  had  not  seen  his  love  for  two  weeks  and  he  began 
^  (  to  get  restless.  She  was  stopping  at  Lake  Geneva 
or  some  other  Summer  resort,  and  wrote  every  day,  but 
that  failed  to  satisfy  him.  He  wanted  something  more 
than  mere  black  ink  on  cold,  white  paper.  By  Wednes- 
day his  impulse  proved  too  much  for  him.  He  let  his 
business  sro  to  the  dogs  and  ••'  took  the   i  o'clock  train." 


46 


HAD    THE    DEAD    WOOD    ON    HIM 


fflAXY  a  time  had  Jobson  got  the  advantage  of 
Fleming,  and  many  a  time  liad  Fleming  sought  to 
retaliate,  but  in  vain.  Jobson  was  too  wily.  There 
comes  a  time  at  length,  though,  when  any  man  forgets  to 
be  on  the  lookout,  and  it  came  to  Jobson.  Then  Fleming 
improved  his  opportunity  and  got  even.  He  was  wild 
with  delight  as  he  gazed  on  his  enemy.  ••'  He  had  the 
dead  wood  on  him." 


47 


WENT    TO    THE    DOGS. 


T^TOUNG  Stetson  did  not  do  very  well  in  college,  and 
\]  after  graduation  showed  more  fondness  for  sport 
than  for  business.  He  owned  no  predilictions  for  any 
of  the  professions.  It  was  prophesied  of  him  that  he 
would  eventually  '•  go  to  the  dogs,"  and  he  did  so.  After 
his  father  died  he  established  and  made  money  out  of  one 
of  the  finest  breeding-kennels  in  the  country. 


48 


BANGED    HER    SISTER'S    HAIR 


C^HE  had  a  tender,  loving  nature,  and  was  almost  a 
*^  mother  to  her  younger  sister,  for  whom  she  evinced 
always  the  greatest  solicitude  and  whom  she  assisted  in 
every  way.  She  was  proud  of  her  idol's  appearance, 
and  assisted  in  every  detail  of  her  toilet.  There  was 
absolutely  nothing  she  would  not  do  for  her.  She  even 
''banged  her  sister's  hair." 


49 


SWEPT    OFF    THE    SIDEWALK. 


/Jl!  HE  new  man  whom  Mr.  Jones  had  engaged  to  work 
^-^  about  the  place  was  a  ver}'  recent  importation 
from  over  the  sea,  and  accepted  all  orders  with  a  literal- 
ness  which  was  astonishing.  Mrs.  Jones  thought  he 
would  do  well  enough  but  changed  her  mind  when  she 
saw  the  result  of  telling  him  one  morning  to  "  sweep  off 
the  sidewalk." 


50 


SHE    BURST    INTO    TEARS. 


=w 


J^x^HO  would  speak  harshly  to  his  wife 
^<-^     Deserves  no  happiness  in  life. 
Let  him  defend  it  as  he  can, 
He  is  a  very  cruel  man. 
For  woman  is  a  tender  plant, 
Endure  unfeeling  words  she  can't. 
She's  one  to  guard,  for  whom  to  get 
New  bonnets,  one  to  love  and  pet. 
And  who  speaks  harshly  to  her  may 
Regret  the  deed  for  many  a  day. 
As  in  the  sketch  above  appears, 
The  woman  may  '•  burst  into  tears." 


51 


KEPT    A   WATCH    ON    HIM. 


T^ORTLY  people  are  ordinarily  good,  easy-going 
^  people,  Vv'ho  are  not  nervous  and  who  rarely  go 
insane.  There  are  exceptions  to  the  rule,  though,  and 
T^IcPheeters  was  one  of  them.  His  stoutness  ph3^sically 
did  not  save  him  when  the  season  of  trial  came.  He 
went  nearlv  wild  when  he  happened  to  lose  heavily  on 
pork,  and  his  friends  became  alarmed.  For  days  they 
''kept  a  watch  on  him." 


52 


TWO   SAD    CASES. 


T^EW  YORK  and  Chicago,  as  a  rule,  treat  all  their 
^  ^  guests  well,  but  from  accounts  now  coming  in  it 
appears  that  there  are  exceptions  to  the  rule.  It  is 
established  on  good  authority  that  one  of  the  delegates 
to  a  recent  convention  in  one  of  these  cities  -'had  his 
head  turned"  by  a  siren  while  another  '-was  quartered  at 
one  of  the  hotels." 


53 


HIS   BLANK    EXPRESSION. 


y  [N  expression  of  utter  blankness  came  upon  the 
J  countenance  of  Algernon. 

"I  appreciate  the  honor  paid  me,'  said  the  stately- 
girl,  "but  I  can  never  be  your  wife.  I  will  be  a  sister  to 
you,  but — " 

And  still  the  expression  of  blank  despair  remained 
upon  the  face  of  Algernon. 


54 


CASTING    SHEEP'S    EYES. 


'  \ 


/^HEY  had  known  each  other  for  some  time,  but  she 
^-^  had  never  suspected  that  he  really  cared  for  her. 
She  was  not  unfavorably  disposed  toward  him  but  he 
had  never  made  any  advances  toward  a  tender  relation- 
ship. His  manner  had  been  merely  that  of  a  careless 
friend,  and  she  was,  therefore,  really  startled  when  first  she 
noticed  him  "casting  sheep's  eyes  at  her." 


ONTO    THE    RACKET. 


l^E  was  a  green-looking  fellow,  but  no  fool.  On  the 
^  /  tennis-grounds  they  were  rather  disposed  to  make 
sport  of  him,  but  he  was  fond  of  the  game  and  didn't 
mind  their  attempts  to  annoy  him.  He  was  impervious 
to  all  the  malice  of  their  pleasantries.  They  would  devise 
schemes  to  make  him  ridiculous,  but  he  would  only  sit 
and  smile.     He  was  "onto  the  racket." 


56 


PORK    TOOK    A    DROP. 


/^HE  fluctuations  of  modern  markets  under  the  system 
of  buying  and  selling  what  is  never  really  trans- 
ferred are  indeed  something  remarkable.  No  man  can 
foretell  what  an  hour  will  bring  forth.  'Tt  was  just  as  I 
expected,"  grumbled  Lardum,  the  eminent  Chicago 
packer  and  art  patron;  '-pork  took  a  drop  to-day." 


67 


HE    THREW    OUT    HIS  CHEST. 


TT  was  in  Prof.  Kayzer's  conservatory,  at  Clark  and 
Washington  streets.  The  new  and  ambitious  student 
in  elocution  was  receiving  his  first  lesson.  His  tones 
were  rather  thin.  The  teacher  for  the  department 
listened  with  a  critical  ear.  "  Your  voice  should  be 
deeper,"  said  he.     '•'  Throw  out  your  chest." 

The  young  man  leaped  for  his  baggage,  which  had 
been  brought  to  the  conservatory  during  his  search  for  a 
boarding-house.  In  a  moment  the  chest  was  thrown  out. 
It  was  from  the  fourth  story. 

It  was  that  which  killed  the  hack-driver's  horse. 


58 


LAUGHED    IN    HIS    SLEEVE. 


p-\E  was  one  of  your  quiet  men,  but  he  was  no  fool,  and 
'  in  the  end  usually  attained  his  object.  He  did  not 
stand  upon  the  street  corners  and  proclaim  what  his 
information  was  or  what  his  aims  might  be.  He  was  a 
shrewd  politician,  but  had  a  way  of  letting  his  adver- 
saries go  ahead  with  their  plans,  making  no  sign  that  he 
was  aware  of  them.  Meanwhile,  he  would  ••  laugh  in  his 
sleeve." 


59 


HAD    THE    PRISONER    IRONED. 


y  [  VERY  careful  man  was  Sheriff  Jones,  No  law- 
j  ^  breaker  once  in  his  clutches  was  likely  soon  again 
to  prey  upon  the  public.  He  took  no  risk.  He  held  that 
a  bird  in  the  hand  was  worth  any  number  in  the  bush,  and 
in  this  la}'  the  secret  of  his  success.  No  sooner  was  any 
bad  man  captured  than  Sheriff  Jones  would  call  in  Wun 
Lung,  the  Chinaman,  and  ''have  the  prisoner  ironed." 


60 


HIS    AUDIENXE   WAS    ALL   EARS. 


SHE  grand  gift  of  oratory  belonged  distinctively  to 
Daniel  Webster  Colling.  It  was  not  merely  that 
the  matter  of  his  speeches  was  exceptional — that  was 
admitted— but  that  his  method  of  delivery  was  Hke  no 
other  man's.  There  was  a  singular  magnetism  in 
his  voice.  No  sooner  had  he  fairly  warmed  to  a 
speech  than  "  his  audience  was  all  ears." 


61 


HE    THREW    THE    SWITCH. 


ii:^'JJ^^- 


'J^^ 


/^HERE  was  no  better  man  in  the  emplo}'  of  the 
^-^  A.,  B.  cS:  C.  railroad  than  Tim  Xevins,  but  never 
was  man  discharged  more  summarily.  There  seemed  no 
reason  for  such  harshness.  His  sympathies  may  have 
been  with  a  group  on  the  road  who  had  struck  for  more 
pay,  but  it  was  certainly  hard  that  he  should  have  to  go 
just  because  one  day  he  ''threw  the  switch." 


B'2 


HE    BROKE    THE    ICE. 


© 


HEY  had  a  difference  and  each  was  stubborn.  It 
was  a  question  which  would  make  advances 
toward  a  reconciliation.  That  was  their  mutual  thought 
on  that  fateful  Winter  evening.  They  walked  together 
in  silence,  each  waiting  for  the  other  to  speak.  It 
occurred  to  him  at  length  that  his  attitude  was  unmanly, 
and  that  the  stronger  should  be  the  more  generous.  To 
think  was  to  act.     -He  broke  the  ice  first.'" 


6S 


HE   STILL   HUNG    OUT   THERE. 


^^HEY  were  ver}'  happy  for  awhile  in  the  flat  they  had 
rented,  but  disagreements  came  and  she  threatened 
to  leave  him.  He  would  not  believe  it  possible  and  de- 
clared that  if  she  went  home  to  her  mother  he  would 
abandon  the  place.  She  did  go  home  to  her  mother  for  a 
season,  and  when  she  returned  hardly  expected  to  find 
her  husband  at  the  flat.  He  had  not  gone,  however — he 
still  "  hung  out  there." 


64 


IT   TOLD    THE    TALE. 


TT  was  unfortunate  for  Jobson  that  he  lacked  fortitude. 
When  things  went  well  with  him  no  man  was  more 
buoyant,  but  any  misfortune,  however  slight,  was  too 
much  for  him  to  bear.  What  happened  when  the  big 
wheat  deal  went  against  him  and  he  lost  all  his  fortune 
was,  therefore,  to  be  expected.  He  left  the  exchange 
and  retired  to  his  room  in  the  hotel.  Soon  a  report  was 
heard.  The  door  was  broken,  Jobson  found  upon  the 
floor,  and  •-  the  smoking  revolver  told  the  tale." 


60 


THEY  BOARDED  THE  TRAIN. 


?qHEY  were  in  doubt  as  to  whether  they  should  go 
fishing  or  not,  but,  as  they  had  indulged  in  no  out- 
ing for  the  Summer,  finally  concluded  that  they  ought  to 
gratify  themselves.  To  decide  with  them  was  to  act 
and,  after  providing  rods  and  hooks  and  lines  and  floats 
and  gaffs  and  gallons  on  gallons  of  bait,  they  went  to  the 
depot  at  once  and  '-'boarded  the  train." 


66 


IT    RAINED    PITCHFORKS. 


■::X^^r- 


TT  would  have  been  well  for  farmer  Joslyn  had  his 
^  man}'  years'  experience  made  him  a  better  judge  of 
the  weather.  There  was,  that  Summer  afternoon,  the 
peculiar  feeling  in  the  atmosphere  which  foretells  a  storm, 
yet  he  laughed  at  the  expressed  fears  of  the  hired  man 
and  went  right  on  stacking  hay.  This  was  at  3  p.  m. 
At  4  p.  M.   '-'it  rained  pitchforks." 


67 


HE    PUT    HIS    FOOT    IN    IT. 


p^E  was  a-blundering  always.  He  was  one  of  the  sort 
t  of  men  you  may  like  but  whom  you  find  it  hard  to 
have  any  patience  with.  He  meant  well  enough,  but  his 
expressions  on  any  subject  were  certain  to  be  just  what 
they  should  not  have  been.  He  said  the  wrong  thing  in 
the  wrong  place  habitually.  "  He  never  opened  his 
mouth  but  he  put  his  foot  in  it." 


68 


THEY  PUT  THEIR  HEADS  TOGETHER. 


"TONES  and  Smith  were  certainly  an  odd  couple 
^  Neither  lacked  self-assertion,  but  when  anything  in 
connection  with  the  affairs  of  the  firm  came  up  for  con- 
sideration neither  would  act  alone.  The  famous  Cheery- 
ble  Brothers  were  nowhere  to  speak  of  in  comparison 
with  this  pair  of  American  business  men.  Even  concern- 
ing the  most  trivial  matter  they  would  ''put  their  heads 
together." 


A    SQUARE    MAN. 


^qRULY  has  some  one  said  that  the  mother  makes  the 
man.  The  boy  leaves  her  and  goes  out  to  battle 
with  the  world,  but  her  kindly  precepts  linger  with  him 
and  shape  his  course  in  life.  There  was  Jobson.  He 
had  a  good  mother.  She  taught  him  that  a  man  should 
respect  his  honor  above  all  things,  and  that  his  word 
should  be  as  good  as  his  bond.  He  never  forgot  her  ad- 
vise, and  his  business  career  w^as  consequently  above  re- 
proach. He  was  recognized  everj'Avhere  as  a  '^square 
man." 


SHE    CUT    HIM    DEAD. 


l^AD  Algernon  been  more  thoughtful  he  never  would 
^  /  have  lost  the  love  of  the  beautiful  Editha  Jones; 
but,  at  the  iMcIntosh  reception,  he  treated  her  so  cavaliery 
that  all  affection  for  him  died  out  in  her  heart  and  she 
resolved  that  henceforth  they  should  be  as  strangers. 
She  was  as  good  as  her  determination.  The  next  time 
they  met  '•  she  cut  him  dead." 


HE    SAT    OX    THORNS. 

-=1  I  Wii 


pJLGERXOX  De  \'ere  was  as  brave  as  most  men,  but 
J  he  did  feel  a  little  nervous  when  he  called  on  ^liss 
Smithson  the  night  after  he  had  poisoned  the  family 
dog.  He  was  talking  with  his  adored  Matilda,  and  her 
father  was  in  the  room,  as  was  also  her  younger  brother. 
The  old  man  had  just  threatened  to  kill  whoever  had 
poisoned  Towser  if  he  could  learn  who  he  was,  when 
Matilda's  brother,  who  had  been  rummaging  in  xVlger- 
non's  overcoat  pockets,  pulled  out  two  or  three  dog-but- 
tons. He  promptl}-  asked  what  they  were,  and 
Algernon  managed  to  repl}'  that  they  were  card  counters. 
The  little  imp  finally  returned  them  to  the  pocket,  but 
meanwhile  Algernon  had  got  into  an  awful  mental  con- 
dition lest  the  old  man  should  see  them,  and  so  learn 
who  was  the  villian.     He  "  sat  on  thorns." 


WROTE   THROUGH    A    FRIEND. 


TT  was  hard  on  Alfred  when  Ethel's  father  declared 
^  that  he  should  not  even  correspond  with  her.  The 
old  man  knew  his  handwriting  and  intercepted  every 
letter.  Communication  between  the  lovers  was  abso- 
lutel)'  cut  off.  Ethel  grew  pale  and  thin,  and  Alfred  was 
almost  insane.  Love,  however,  will  overcome  all 
obstacles.  An  inspiration  came  to  Alfred.  "  He  wrote 
through  a  friend." 


HE   TOOK    THE    FLOOR. 


/^HERE  had  been  a  good  many  fiery  speeches,  but 
the  delegate  from  Virginia  surpassed  them  all. 
His  ardent  temperament  was  made  plain  before  he  had 
given  utterance  to  half  a  dozen  sentences.  It  was  well 
remarked  in  the  newspapers  next  day  that  he  exhibited 
an  astonishing  vehemence  when  he  ''took  the  floor." 


HE   THREW    DOWN    HIS    HAND. 


]^AD  Jones  been  better  tempered  he  would  have  made 
^  (  a  good  card-player,  but  he  was  too  violent  in  his 
ways  for  success  at  any  game.  His  judgment  disap- 
peared as  his  temper  rose  and  then  he  would  invariably 
do  something  foolish.  As  long  as  the  cards  ran  well  he 
would  remain  good  natured,  but  as  soon  as  they  came 
badly  he  invariably  flew  into  a  passion  and  '•  threw  down 
his  hand." 


75 


HE    STOOD    ROOTED    TO    THE    GROUND. 


'OO  more  enthusiastic  botanist  than  Prof.  Grumpus 
ever  lived.  He  would  go  into  ecstacies  over  a  rare 
specimen,  and  was  always  in  the  fields  searching  for 
curiosities  in  plant  life.  It  was  worth  while  to  see  him 
one  day  when  he  found  a  big  tiger  lily  which  some  mis- 
chievous bo3's  had  painted  pea  green.  He  thought  he 
had  discovered  a  novelty  in  nature.  He  '•  stood  rooted 
to  the  ground." 


76 


SHE  SWEPT  THROUGH  THE  ROOM. 


/^HE  pride  of  birth  was  shown  in  the  stately  carriage 
^-^  of  the  lady  Guinevere  Maude  de  Courcey.  In  her 
gracefully  dignified  manner  was  shown  insensibly  her 
feeling  that  not  the  blood  of  the  Howards  was  more 
noble  than  her  own.  It  but  enhanced  the  effect  of  her 
patrician  beauty,  and  all  e3'es  were  attracted  toward  her 
as  she  "  swept  through  the  drawing-room." 


77 


HE    ROSE  WITH    THE    LARK. 


(T^VERYBODY  commented  on  the  youthful  appearance 
of  Harrison  Gray.  Though  69  years  of  age  he  had 
the  look  and  vigor  of  a  man  of  40.  The  secret  of  his 
preservation  was  easy.  He  recognized  what  it  was 
which  made  nature  kind  to  her  children.  He  did  what 
was  best  for  prolongation  of  strength  and  health.  He 
never  overslept  himself.     "  He  rose  with  the  lark." 


HE    FLEW   TO    HER    SIDE. 


T  /.OVE  stops  at  nothing  ;  love  lets  nothing  deter  it  ; 
^-^  love  conquers  space  ;  love  accomplishes  the  seem- 
ingly impossible. 

"Save  me!  Charles,  save  me!"  shrieked  Angelina, 
as  old  Wagner's  bulldog  came  growling  toward  her. 

Charles  "flew  to  her  side." 


79 


CRUSHED    BY    HER    REPLY 


p^E  was  arrogant  in  his  pride  and  thought  he  was  do- 
«  ing  her  an  honor  in  wooing  her.  He  was 
wealthy  and  moderately  good  looking  and  counted  him- 
self a  desirable  match  for  any  woman.  He  had  no  idea 
that  when  his  proposal  came  he  would  be  rejected.  So 
it  happened  that  when  finally  he  offered  her  his  hand  and 
fortune  and  she  declined  *'he  was  crushed  by  her  reply." 


SO 


IN    ON    HER    FATHER'S    ARM. 


TT  was  a  most  interesting  wedding  in  every  way. 
^  Rarely  had  a  more  striking  couple  been  wedded  in 
the  church.  The  surroundings  were  all  in  keeping  with 
the  occasion,  and  the  assemblage  of  friends  a  brilliant 
one.  The  bridegroom  was  handsome  and  dignified,  and 
the  bride  was  beautiful.  There  was  a  subdued  murmur 
of  admiration  when  "  she  came  in  on  her  father's  arm." 


81 


TOASTED    THE    EMPROR. 


C^INCE  long  before  the  days  of  Gustavus  Adolphus 
^^  Sweden  has  been  independent  in  her  attitude. 
The  Viking  blood  tells.  The  emperor  of  Germany  has  a 
big  army  at  his  back,  but  King  Oscar  is  not  afraid  of 
him.  The  rash  young  German  ruler  might  have  known 
what  would  happen  when  he  went  to  Stockholm.  King 
Oscar  was  prepared,  and  the  dispatches  next  day  told 
the  story.     He  '-'toasted  the  emperor." 


HE   WAS    ONTO    IT. 


UERY  imminent  was  the  danger  of  Police  Inspector 
Bonfield.  The  grudge  of  the  anarchist  avengers 
was  deep  against  him  and  his  blood  was  desired.  The 
bomb  prepared  to  blow  him  into  pieces  was  a  terrible 
one,  and  the  avengers  supposed  he  knew  nothing  about 
it.  But  Bonfield  was  alert.  His  life  was  saved  through 
his  extraordinary  vigilance.  The  plan  of  the  bomb  was 
deadly,  ''but  he  got  onto  it." 


83 


DIED    ON    HIS    HANDS. 


p^E  did  reasonably  well  as  a  bricklayer — that  is,  when 
*  /  he  wasn't  on  a  strike — but  he  thought  he  could  do 
better  as  an  expressman.  He  spent  his  last  and  only 
$11  on  a  horse.  It  was  an  aged  animal,  and  the  story  of 
many  pasts  was  repeated.  He  had  not  engaged  in  his 
new  vocation  for  any  length  of  time  when  the  catastrophe 
came.     The  old  horse  ''  died  on  his  hands." 


84 


COMPLETELY    CARRIED    AWAY. 


mt  n  -in 


/^F  course  it's  a  great  advantage  and  a  source  of  con- 
^^  stant  pleasure  to  have  a  musical  ear,  but  when  the 
sense  of  perception  in  this  respect  is  too  acute  it  is  often 
really  embarrassing.  The  mental  and  physical  strain  is 
too  great,  you  know.  There  was  Jones,  for  instance;  so 
delicate  were  his  sensibilities  that  he  never  heard  good 
music  without  being  ••  completely  carried  away." 


85 


ALL    BROKE    UP. 


*^C^ 


^t^ 


TT  DOES  not  always  pay  to  jump  at  conclusions. 
■^  De  Brown  did.  The  matter  under  consideration  was 
one  of  the  utmost  importance  to  him,  but  that  made  no 
difference.  He  w^as  as  impetuous,  as  deaf  to  all  remon- 
strances and  as  pig-headed  as  usual.  He  chanced  to  be 
wrong,  and,  as  a  consequence,  "he  was  all  broke  up." 


86 


HE    TOOK    THE   STAND. 


ONE  of  the  most  modest  and  retiring  of  men  was 
Simpson,  but  he  was  so  deeply  interested  in  the 
great  suit  of  WilHncroft  against  Smithson  that  he  volum- 
teered  as  a  witness,  since  he  was  famihar  with  many  facts 
in  the  case.  When  he  first  entered  the  court-room  his 
habitual  diffidence  returned  and  overcame  him,  but  he 
recovered  himself  in  a  moment.  Everyone  cemmented 
on  the  alacrity  with  which  '"he  took  the  stand." 


87 


SHE    CAST    DOWN    HER    EYES. 


^(TOE  mine,"  said  Augustus,  passionately  '-'raising  his 
^^  eyes  to  heaven."  "Be  mine,  and  I  swear  I  will 
be  faithful  to  you  ever.  I  will  guard  3'ou  from  all  evil. 
You  shall  be  my  guardian  angel,  I  your  shield  and  pro- 
tector." 

Editha  said  nothing,    but  a  blush    stole    upon    her 
cheek  and  she  modestly  ''  cast  her  eyes  upon  the  ground." 


88 


STUCK    OX    BASE    BALL. 


F^E  was  a  good  business  man  and  his  affairs  had 
C  always  been  attended  to  with  promptness.  But 
some  time  ago  it  all  changed.  He  was  frequently  absent 
from  his  office,  and  his  friends  feared  that  some  disease 
had  fastened  itself  upon  him.  They  resolved  to  watch 
him  and,  when  the  cause  of  his  weakness  was  learned,  if 
possible,  save  him  from  himself.  Finally  it  all  came 
out.     '•'  He  was  stuck  on  base  ball." 


VERY   CLOSE    IN    THE    ROOM. 


^MILY'S  father  had  forgotten  his  pipe  and  had  come 
down-stairs  thoughtlessly  in  his  stocking-feet.  He 
had  forgotten  entirely  the  circumstance  that  it  was  the 
evening  when  Emily's  best  young  man  was  in  the  habit 
of  calling.  He  entered  the  parlor  unnoticed.  He  stood 
for  a  moment  and  then  observed  :  "  Seems  to  me  it's 
'very  close  in  the  room.'  " 


90 


THE    TABLE   GROANED. 


i^HERE  has  certainly  been  no  recent  entertainment 
^-^  to  compare  with  that  given  last  week  at  the  resi- 
dence of  Mr.  Hamfat,  the  cultured  pork-packer.  The 
guests  included  the  very  cream  of  society  as  recognized 
in  Mrs.  Hamfat's  set.  The  affair  was  most  recherche, 
and  at  the  dinner  "  the  table  groaned  beneath  its  load  of 
delicacies." 


91 


PUT   A    FLEA    IX    HIS    EAR. 


yOUNG  Jones  was  undeniably  the  best  catch  at  the 
watering-place,  and  all  the  maneuvering  mammas 
and  ambitious  daughters  knew  it.  Young  Miss  Catchem 
and  the  old  Dowager  Catchem  were  exceedingl}'  v/ell 
informed  on  this  "point  and  had  all  their  plans  laid  for 
Jones'  capture.  He  was  already  half  a  victim,  and  had 
taken  to  dreamy  moods  when  his  friend  Smith  arrived. 
Smith  was  an  old  bird  and  saw  the  situation  at  a  glance. 
He  was  sorry  for  Jones  and  resolved  to  save  him.  He 
'■'put  a  flea  in  his  ear." 


HE  GROUND  HIS  TEETH  IN  RAGE. 


p-\E  was  a  passionate  man,  and  when  in  a  rage  pre- 
'  sented  a  spectacle  calculated  to  appall  the  stoutest 
heart.  One  might  almost  imagine,  as  he  appeared  with 
clenched  hands  and  rolling  eyes,  that  he  was  about  going 
into  an  epileptic  fit.  Rendered  literally  speechless  by 
his  overpowering  passion,  he  would  stand  "  grinding  his 
teeth." 


93 


IN    A  STEW. 


l^RETTIER  young  women  than  Miss  Spilkins  one 
^  would  not  often  meet.  She  was  fair  of  face  and  trim 
of  figure  and  had  many  accomphshments.  All  she  lacked 
to  make  her  charming  was  more  repose.  There  she  was 
deficient.     She  was  always  "  in  a  stew." 


94 


A   STRIKING   OCCASION. 


)^HE  two  factions  of  the  party  had  long  been  at  outs, 
^-^  but  wiser  councils  prevailed  and  it  w^as  decided  to 
fuse,  to  forget  all  differences,  and  meet  in  the  same  hall 
again.  Every  member  of  each  body  w^as  present  at  the 
reunion.  The  scene  when  the  first  meeting  was  held 
after  the  reconciliation  was  touching.  It  was  "  a  striking 
occasion." 


95 


RUSHED    THE    GROWLER. 


/^HEY  were  certainly  a  hard  lot  of  boys  in  Clabber 
alley,  and  not  a  day  passed  that  they  did  not  do 
something  wicked.  Their  habits  were  bad  in  every  way, 
and  that  most  of  them  would  grow  up  drunkards  was 
assured.  Their  tendency  in  such  direction  was  already 
exhibited.  Young  as  they  were  they  would  habitually 
"  rush  the  growler." 


LEFT   UNDER   A   CLOUD. 


"^ 


P^E  is  doing  well  enough  in  business  now — they  do  say 
'  that  he  has  sold  more  of  his  particular  class  of 
goods  this  3'ear  than  any  other  man  on  the  south  side; 
but  he  didn't  do  so  well  at  one  time.  When  in  the  far 
west  his  experience  was  different.  Those  who  know  him 
best  say  that  he  was  quite  unfortunate  in  the  mountains, 
and  that  '-'he  left  Denver  under  a  cloud." 


97 


ON    HIS    OWN    HOOK. 


fflcPHEETERS  was  one  of  your  independent  men. 
He  would  have  no  partner  in  business,  and  even 
remained  a  bachelor  because  he  did  not  want  any  one 
else  to  have  an  interest  in  his  affairs.  He  prided  himself 
on  his  ability  to  get  along  alone,  but,  after  all,  he  didn't 
seem  to  do  better  than  other  people.  He  caught  no 
more  fish  than  any  one  else,  though  even  in  this  sport  he 
■engaged  '•  on  his  own  hook." 


9S 


HE  MADE  BOTH  ENDS  MEET. 


T  /.ITTLE  Goring  was  an  unassuming  man  and  when 
■^-^  he  started  a  tailor's  shop  nine  of  his  friends  out  of 
ten  said  that  he  must  fail.  They  thought  him  lacking  in 
the  necessar>^  tenacit}'  of  purpose.  They  were  agreeably 
disappointed.  Goring  eventually  became  rich.  He 
knew  what  he  was  about.  He  succeeded  from  his  re- 
markable ability  manifested  in  '^  making  botn  ends 
meet." 


RAN    UP   THE    COLUMN. 


yOU'D  never  have  thought  to  look  at  Smifkins,  that 
that  he  could  be  an  athlete  or  that  there  was  any- 
thing like  life  in  him.  He  was  certainly  the  puniest  and 
most  abject  person  in  appearance  of  any  employed  in  the 
great  house  of  Undersell  &  Co.  Yet  out  of  the  hundreds 
in  that  establishment  there  w^as  none  could  equal  him  in 
speed  when  he  ''ran  up  a  column  of  figures." 


100 


PUT    UNDER   BONDS. 


T^E  was  an  old  skinflint,  that  was  certain,  and  an 
/  oppressor  of  poor  tenants.  He  would  break  in 
violently  when  his  rent  was  not  paid  on  the  day  it  was 
due,  and  heeded  no  remonstrance.  He  was  ruthless  and 
overbearing.  Everyone  was  glad  when  one  tenant, 
bolder  than  the  rest,  at  last  resorted  to  the  law  and  had 
the  old  fellow  '-put  under  bonds." 


101 


THROWN    OFF   THE    SCENT. 


ONE  of  the  shrewdest  of  detectives  was  Michael  Car- 
ruth,  but  sometimes  he  would  form  a  theory 
arbitrarily  and  become  too  sanguine.  He  would  reason 
from  cause  to  effect  instead  of  from  effect  back  to  cause 
and  would  attach  too  much  importance  to  trifles.  So  it 
happened  that  often,  despite  his  natural  cleverness,  he 
was  "thrown  off  the  scent." 


102 


BROKE    OFF    THE    MATCH. 


'TEN KINS  had  felt  from  the  first  when  wooing 
^  Preacher  Grimes'  daughter  that  he  was  not  popular 
with  the  father,  but  the  lovers  deluded  themselves  with 
the  belief  that  the  parental  opposition  could  be  finally 
overcome.  Fate  was  not  as  kind  to  them  as  they  had 
hoped.  It  was  hard,  very  hard,  when  they  at  last  applied 
to  him,  and  the  stern,  old  man,  in  the  presence  of  both, 
"broke  off  the  match." 


103 


ROSE    TO    THE    OCCASION. 


/qHEY  had  never  yet  had  an}-  experience  with  a 
cyclone  in  their  Kansas  home,  but  the}'  often 
talked  about  what  might  happen,  and  at  such  times  never 
failed  to  chaff  the  good  mother  of  the  house  as  to  what 
she  would  do  in  the  emergency.  They  declared  that  she 
would  be  frightened  to  death.  They  thought  she  lacked 
all  nerve.  They  were  mistaken.  The  cyclone  finally 
came  and  she  "  rose  to  the  occasion." 


104 


SHE   TOSSED    HER    HEAD    IX    THE    AIR. 


TXE  was  but  a  poor  mechanical  engineer,  while  she 
^  /  was  the  daughter  of  a  pork-packer.  Still  he  dared 
to  love  her,  and  had  ventured  to  hope.  She  had  always 
smiled  upon  him  and  when,  on  one  or  two  occasions,  he 
had  ventured  to  press  her  hand  she  had  exhibited  no 
displeasure.  No  wonder  he  was  startled,  then,  when  he 
proposed  to  her  and  she  only  gave  him  a  scornful  look 
and  "tossed  her  head  in  the  air." 


105 


GAVE   HIM    HER    HAND. 


^HEY  had  been  sitting  together  on  a  bench  in  the 
park,  but  he  had  scarcely  spoken.  The  soft  Sum- 
mer evening  seemed  to  induce  silence  for  the  time. 
Only  the  Katy-dids  made  a  sound.  He  was  madly  in 
love,  and  felt  an  emotion  almost  too  deep  for  utterance. 
They  rose  to  go,  and  then,  all  at  once,  he  resolved  to 
disclose  his  passion.  He  reached  out  his  arms  toward 
her.     Gently  she  '^gave  him  her  hand." 


106 


A   RUN    ON    THE    BANK 


Zn  MERE  trifle  will  occasionally  start  a  panic,  and 
J  business  men  can  not  be  too  careful.  In  times  of 
alarm  in  financial  circles  the  slightest  suspicious  move 
may  precipitate  trouble.  Many  instances  could  be  cited 
in  support  of  this  well-known  law  of  trade.  For  instance, 
had  not  McTrampem  recklessty  drawn  Farmer  Jones' 
money  there  would  have  been  no  "  run  on  the  bank." 


107 


HE    HELD   HIS    GROUND. 


^  rS  '->"^i-— 


■^/.Xv 


SHE  good  pastor  felt  some  trepidation  when  he  went 
into  the  army  as  chaplain,  but  he  considered  it  his 
duty  to  do  so,  and  went  to  the  front  with  his  regiment. 
They  often  had  a  little  quiet  fun  wnth  him  in  a  respectful 
way,  expressing  doubts  as  to  what  he  would  do  should 
the  forces  be  brought  suddenly  into  action.  But  they 
did  not  know  their  man.  It  so  happened  that  they  came 
upon  the  enemy  unexpectedly,  and  there  was  a  fight. 
The  chaplain  ''held  his  ground"  manfully. 


10 


Brentano^s  Publications. 

CONFESSIONS   OF   A   YOUNG   MAN. 

By  GEORGE   MOORE,     i2mo.    Paper,  50c.    Cloth,  Si. 00. 

'  •  Nothing  more  striking  or  original  in  modern  letters  has  appear 

ed  for  years  than  the  Confessions  of  a  Young  Man.     -Clar.^  Lanz.v 

TALES   BEFORE   SUPPER. 

Translated  from  the  French  of  Gautier  and  ^I/^^^^^^^^y 

Myrdart    Verelst    (the    translator   of    the    After-Dinner 

Stories   from  Balzac)  and   preceded  by    an  introduction 

from  Mr.  Edgar  Saltus.    i2mo.   Paper,  50c.    Cloth,  Si. 00. 

These  tales  are  regarded  as  masterpieces  of  their  respective  authors. 

AFTER-DINNER  STORIES  FROM  BALZAC. 

Done  into  English  bv  Mvndart  Verelst.  with  an  introduction 
by  Edgar  Saltus.      lamo.     Paper,  50c.     Cloth,  $1.00. 

DEMOCRATIC  CAMPAIGN  TEXT  BOOK. 

1SS8.  The  Official  Hand-Book,  prepared  under  the  direc- 
tion of  the  National  Democratic  Committee.  Svo.  Paper. 
600  pages.  Si. 00. 

REPLBLICAN   CAMPAIGN   TEXT   BOOK. 

1888.  The  Official  Hand-book  issued  by  the  Republican 
National  Committee.     S%-o.     Paper,  350  pages,  ooc. 

HASCHISCH. 

A  novel.   By  THOROLD  KING.   Paper,  50c.   Cloth,  S.oo. 

The  above  for  sale  by  all  Booksellers,  or  sent  post- 
paid on  receipt  of  price  by  the  publishers. 

BRENTANO'S, 

NEW   YORK,  CHICAGO, 

5  Union  Square.  loi  State  Street. 

WASHINGTON,  D.C.  PARIS,  FRANCE. 

10 1 5  Penna.  Ave.  17  Ave.  de  lOpera. 


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